1. Whether he believes in god. It
may not seem important when you’re in your 20’s and everything is smooth
sailing, but life gets very hard. When you struggle through job loss, health
issues, family emergencies — how is he going to cope? Is it compatible with the
way you will cope?
2. The names of
his parents and immediate family members. These are the people who
grew up around and formed him into the person he is today. If you want to
understand him, you have to understand them.
3. What he’s like when he’s sick.
If it’s been all rainbows and sunshine, you still don’t really know
him.
4. What he listens to in the car.
Along with the big stuff you want to make sure you’re digesting all the little
commonplace things about him. You know what he puts in his coffee, what his
morning routine is, what he listens to on the way to work, and what kind of
shampoo he uses (especially by smell).
5. Who he voted
for. Agree or disagree with his
political beliefs, they’re an important part of his value system and thought
process. You should know what kind of leaders he likes and what draws him to
them.
6. His childhood
pet’s name. You’ll want to tell
each other the stories of your life, especially what it was like for them
growing up.
7. His career
goals. Where does he want to go
and how can you support him in getting there? He’s going to spend most of his
waking hours at whatever his profession is, that’s too much time for you to be
completely clueless about it.
8. What you can’t
stand about him. If you’ve only
seen things in him that you love, you’re not past the honeymoon phase.
9. What his friends
are like. At this stage you
should know who his friends are, what they do when they get together, and what
kind of people they are. When he tells you a story about one of his friends, he
uses their first name because you know who they are.
10. What he’s like when he’s raging mad. When he’s at the end of his rope, does he still treat people
with respect? Does he ever flip out? Has he ever been violent?
11. Whether he wants children. It’s okay if this milestone is far off in the distance, as
long as you’re on the same page about whether it’s something you’re both
interested in.
12. How much money he makes. Additionally: how much he saves and what his debt situation
is like. Obviously these are not conversations you have right when you’re
getting to know someone, but if you’re contemplating a future with him, you
need an idea what that future is going to be like. Money matters when you’re
considering legally attaching yourself to someone’s financial situation
forever.
13. How clean he
keeps his home. Long after he
picks up before you arrive, is his “resting” state of affairs something you can
handle? If he’s stupid messy and that chaos stresses you out, you have
something to think about.
14. How often he
prefers to have sex. Sex is the
physical bond that keeps your attraction alive in a relationship, if either of
you is being rejected all the time it’s going to cause some wear on their
happiness. The healthiest relationships aren’t between people who have a huge
mismatch in libido.
15. What he’s like
on vacation. Some people go on
vacation because they want an adventure and spend it in exciting cities seeing
and doing new things. Other people want to park their butt on a beautiful beach
and not move for 7 days except to pick up a new drink. You can compromise and
do things you both enjoy, but you should know what their preference is.
16. What cheers him
up when he’s sad. This is super
important, because you need to be able to speak this language to him in order
to support him through difficult times.
17. Where he wants to plant roots.
Does he like big cities or small towns? Does he want to move away from the
place you met one day? Where does he want to raise children if you have them?
18. What he absolutely needs to do in order to unwind. Some people need to come home and turn on trashy reality tv
or play video games or be outside or get a good workout in every single day. He
won’t be able to feel complete with you unless he can be himself, including
whatever mechanisms he’s created in order to veg out.
19. What his issues
are. Everyone has something.
There’s a sore spot in all of us that’s made up of un-healed emotional baggage.
You should have some idea of what this is for him and be willing to
walk with him as he figures it out.
20. Whether he’s
totally over his exes. You don’t
have to dwell on his life before you, but it is important to know for sure that
he’s ‘over’ her and not using you as a crutch (or worse, to make her jealous).
21. Whether he
respects people who are different than himself. There’s an easy way to find this out: look at how he treats
customer service people who help him out.
22. What his views
on couples therapy are. It’s an
incredibly handy tool for working through rough spots, but some people are
totally opposed to ever trying it. Best to find out now.
23. Whether he’s
comfortable giving you space. You
need to know what kind of social life you’re going to have and whether it’s
going to fully overlap with his social life. Is he the kind of guy
that encourages you to go on a girl’s weekend trip? Or will get get jealous and
ask you to check in constantly?
24. What he
considers cheating. It’s going to
be a problem if one of you thinks flirting with your regular barista is totally
fine and the other thinks that crosses the line. You have to be on the same
page about what’s cool and what’s going to be a problem for the relationship.
25. Whether you
really love him. It can’t just be
the idea of him — or of being in a relationship that’s moving forward. You have
to be know that you love him and that the feeling is mutual and that
you’re both going to put in the work to make each other happy.
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