
8
Tried-and-True Steps to Building Trust
How you
can bring this vital—and endangered—element to all of your relationships
June 27,
2017

Crazy Man trusted nobody, and nobody
trusted him.
That’s how Dale Ludwig describes his
former boss at a public-speaking training company.
Crazy Man listened in on employees’
phone calls. He turned against his favorites without warning. He preached
company values he didn’t live by—honesty and fun—and tried to control every
moment of everyone’s day.
Related: How to
Survive a Micromanaging Boss
“I always assumed I was being observed
and I had to keep my head down and do the minimum and not call attention to
myself,” Ludwig says.
Twenty-five years later, Ludwig is the
founder and president of Turpin Communication, a communication skills company in
Chicago. “I trust people to do their jobs and I give them the freedom to do
them,” he says. The result: a workplace that’s the polar opposite of Crazy Man’s.
“It’s like, Oh boy, here are my friends and we all
have interesting work to do and we’re going to do it really well.”
From office to home, from friendship
to parenthood to romance, stories like Ludwig’s are legion. Nothing matters
more than trust.
“Trust is the basic foundation upon
which relationships are built,” says Katherine Crowley, co-author of Working with You Is Killing Me: Freeing
Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work and co-owner of a
workplace relationships consultancy. “It’s all about
reliability, consistency.”
Trust is also confidence that another
person has your interests at heart. It’s belief that they will be loyal,
honest, capable and kind. When you and those around you trust each other,
morale and teamwork soar—along with more tangible rewards. Consider the 2017 “100 Best
Companies to Work For,” which is a list produced by the Great Place to
Work Institute and Fortune. It’s based on
feedback from 232,000 employees around the country, much of which has to do
with trustworthiness. Publicly traded companies on the list performed nearly
three times better than the stock market overall.
No wonder those who study trust speak
of it as currency.
“In business, if there isn’t trust,
you’ve got to be very vigilant about whether someone’s taking advantage of you,
and that takes a lot of energy,” says John G. Holmes, Ph.D., an emeritus
psychology professor at the University of Waterloo and co-author of well-known
studies involving trust. Energy spent watching your back is energy not spent on
creative solutions. “It’s very costly to not be trusting,” he says. “It stops
you from taking
important risks that you should take.”
In all relationships—personal and
professional—a lack of trust naturally stops people from confiding in each
other. “It decreases your chance of being close and being supported,” Holmes
says. “It decreases intimacy and elevates stress.” Studies show that low-trust
relationships are often doomed.
Lately, as anyone with eyes and ears
knows, trust hasn’t exactly been robust in our society. Fear of terrorism
sparks wariness
of immigrants; political rifts fuel suspicion among friends, neighbors and
relatives. In 21 of 28 countries polled by the public-relations firm Edelman,
public trust dropped from 2015 to 2016 in at least one of four major
institutions (business, government, media and nongovernmental organizations).
Though that poll—taken largely before the November 2016 election—showed steady
or increased U.S. trust in those same categories, the numbers still weren’t
great. Four out of every 10 Americans lacked faith in business and NGOs, and
more than five in 10 distrusted government and media. A poll of U.S. voters a
few weeks after the election found even lower levels of trust, Edelman reports.
Sobering facts, to be sure. Even so,
you have more power than you might think to help turn things around.

“In a low-trust world, more than ever
we need leaders and teams and organizations that know how to create trust, to
stand for trust,” says Stephen M.R. Covey, author of the best-selling The Speed of Trust: The One Thing That
Changes Everything. “When you look at the whole society, it is
daunting and you think, I can’t counteract all these huge
societal trends, but you can increase trust in your relationships
and in your team. And if you can do it in your relationships and in your team,
then your team can begin to build trust with other teams and it can ripple out
from there. You really can have a profound effect.”
Among the steps most trusted by
trustees of trust-building:
1.
Let the sunshine in.
Kevin Vogelsang felt super-nervous
when he sat down for a job interview last year with Ludwig and vice president
Greg Owen-Boger. Within minutes, though, his jitters vanished. “They were
extremely friendly, not high-pressure, just very genuine in trying to
describe what they needed and were looking for,” he recalls. Sometimes during
the interview, Ludwig and Owen-Boger spoke with each other, “not as if I wasn’t
there, but just, they weren’t hiding anything or looking for anything
secretively. Everything they wanted to hear from me or say to each other was
kind of out in the open.”
As former Supreme Court Justice Louis
Brandeis put it, “Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants.” When you
give others clear and realistic expectations, their insecurity shrinks and your
trustworthiness soars. Ditto when you don’t just tell them what you’re
planning, day to day, but explain how it will help your organization or family.
Such declarations “foster credibility;
by making a statement of intent on the record, you provide stakeholders with
words to measure your actions against,” Covey and Douglas R. Conant, former CEO
of Campbell Soup Company, wrote in a recent issue of Harvard
Business Review.
2.
Connect the dots.
To promote trusting relationships, it
helps to think about which values you prize most and whether you’re living by
them. Once you identify the principles you aim to follow, don’t just put them
in a frame on the wall.
“When you explain to people what
you’re doing, you always want to say, ‘I’m doing x because I have a value of
xyz,’ ” says Bob Whipple, author of Leading with Trust Is Like Sailing
Downwind. “You’re always tying actions back to what you
believe.”
This will get you points for living by
your principles, he says—even when you have to make unpopular decisions. Say
your teenager has violated a family value of honesty; remind her of this as you
take away her car keys. She’ll realize your values mean something, Whipple
says, and so will any other kid who’s watching.

3.
Lend an ear.
Make
a habit of asking open-ended questions at home and at work: “How do you see
the situation?” “What would make you happy?” Many trust mavens recommend
versions of “reflective listening,” in which you focus on others’ words without
interrupting or planning a response of your own, and repeat their thoughts back
to them to show you have understood.
Share your own thinking only when
you’re sure they’ve had their say. This will foster low fear and high trust,
Whipple says—as long as you don’t answer defensively or dismissively, or
otherwise punish them for being honest. “You don’t have to acquiesce. What you
have to do is treat them like an adult.”
Trust is also confidence that another person has your interests at heart.
The same goes when others open up to
you unexpectedly. Crowley, the workplace consultant, remembers how after their
third date, a man walked her home. “I felt that pressure of, Am
I supposed to invite this guy in? Will he be disappointed? But I
really didn’t want to, and I told him the truth.” He thanked her for her
honesty, she says, and asked her on a fourth date. “He didn’t punish me for it,
which had been my fear. And that said to me that I could trust him with the
truth and it would be OK.”
That man is now her husband.
4.
Deliver the goods.
Nothing boosts others’ faith in you
like doing what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it.
One way to ensure this happens is to
“under-promise and over-deliver,” Crowley says. When a client asks how fast you
can complete a given job, for instance, fight the urge to please her in the
short run by naming an early deadline. A later one will leave room for possible
obstacles. If they don’t crop up, you can finish ahead of schedule and
pleasantly surprise the client. If they do, just meet the deadline. Your client
won’t feel let down (as she would if you had blown an earlier deadline), and
you’ll keep her confidence in the long run.
Related: 18 Ways to
Gain Trust at Work
Is following through on commitments a
chronic problem for you? Keeping promises to yourself might help, Covey says.
When you make good on your vow to exercise three times a week, say, or your
plan to learn Italian, it
feeds your self-confidence. This should translate into confidence that you
can honor commitments to others, and then improvement on keeping those
commitments.
5.
Fess up.
Though denying or spinning your
mistakes may be tempting, it mostly makes others feel manipulated—and afraid to
admit when they screw up. Instead, Crowley urges, show that you value learning
from blunders and finding ways not to repeat them.
“When
I make a mistake—and I make a lot of mistakes—I tell my business partner
and she processes it,” Crowley says. “She doesn’t say, ‘That’s the end of the
relationship’ or ‘You’re an idiot’ or whatever. And vice versa. We can only do
that because we have trust that if one of us makes a mistake, we will tell the
other and then we will address it.”

6.
Don’t be two-faced.
Would you trust someone who
bad-mouthed you, shared your secrets, or took credit for your work? Of course
not, which is why you should do the opposite.
“Speak about others as if they were
present,” Covey writes in The Speed of Trust. The
importance of this dawned on him years ago at a company where he and a dozen
co-workers ate lunch together most days. “When they finished eating, a couple
of people in the group would get up and leave, and the others would immediately
start talking about them. It got to where I didn’t dare leave the table because
I knew the moment I left, they’d start talking about me!”
7.
Look beyond labels.
Lazy millennials. Selfish Gen-Xers.
Clueless boomers.
Negative stereotypes of different
groups abound, leading to disrespect and a decline in trust. Your best policy?
Don’t buy into them, says Harry Reis, Ph.D., a social psychologist at the
University of Rochester. “There are some millennial students at this university
who are lazy as all get-out,” he says. “Others work their tails off. I think
it’s about individuals.” Listen to others
with an open mind, regardless of who they are, he says. “Interact with them
as if you were talking to a person and not a representative of a category.”
That’s just what Ludwig and Owen-Boger
do, says Vogelsang, who now works as their operations manager. “The way they
treat me and speak to me is as a peer,” he says, even though Vogelsang is much
younger. “As I see them interact with clients and other employees their age,
there’s no difference in the way they treat me.” And that, he says, leaves him
feeling respected.
8.
Leap.
One of the biggest keys to earning
others’ trust—and their loyal efforts—is simply to place more trust in them.
“People realize when you’re not trusting them, because people are fairly good
at picking
up on those cues,” Reis says. “And if people think you don’t trust them,
they won’t trust you. They’ll close off.”
They might even decide to meet your
low expectations. That’s what happened with Ludwig and his colleagues under
Crazy Man. When their suspicious
boss wasn’t around, they seized every chance they could to waste his time
and money—drawing cartoons of him, say.
It’s true you might get burned if you
start trusting more. But you’ll definitely get burned if you don’t, and not
just because you’ll lose the benefits of others’ reciprocal trust. In a 1970s
study co-led by Holmes, the emeritus psychology professor, people played
economic games with strangers. Players too wary and competitive to cooperate
with each other “actually hurt themselves,” Holmes recalls. “People who worked
cooperatively gained more money. That was the irony of it.”

Your best bet is to take the
proverbial leap
of faith. Not a blind leap—“smart trust” means weighing your impulse to
trust against other people’s credibility and the opportunity and risks at hand,
Covey cautions—but not a stingy leap either. “We shouldn’t allow the 5 percent
of people we can’t trust define for us the 95 percent of people we can trust.”
In other words, chances are good your
leap will pay off. And it might pay big.
Consider William FitzPatrick, a
philosophy professor in Rochester, New York (who is, full disclosure, married
to the author of this story). One time in middle school, he says, he had
trouble finishing an assignment after procrastinating.
His parents talked with him about the importance of taking homework seriously.
“After that, they didn’t try to police me or micromanage my study habits. They
just trusted that I would do what I had to do to succeed, and I think I
tried harder because of that.” He wanted to live up to their expectations and
trust. “So in that sense, it did help the internal drive, the quest for
excellence in academia, which led me to where I am now.”
Last but hardly least, consider Vogelsang again.
In his first week working for Ludwig and Owen-Boger, he says, “they immediately
gave me all the passwords to access their website and things.” They also gave
him credit card info so he could make company purchases and told him he would
be in charge of the office whenever they were traveling. “I feel like they’ve
put such trust in me, gone out on a limb trusting me,” Vogelsang says. “Because
of that, I have complete trust in them.”
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